For the past two years, I’ve been apprehensive about this day. The past month I’ve cried everywhere on the route from my house to work. Turning 24 scared the shit out of me! I learned too young and too personally that some don’t make it much further. I can’t explain totally what I’m afraid of, but I’ve had two years to dwell on it so I think I’m getting closer to an answer.
Grief lives with you. Some days are easier than others and everyone deals with it differently. I like numbers. I found peace and control in knowing some slightly morbid details. It’s helping me cope.
On day 8864, I will have outlived Daniel. That’s 97 more days still comfortably in the protection of my brothers life and choices. Despite how different we are and the lives we’ve lived, I’ve enjoyed a feeling of safety knowing that he did it first. One of the greatest gifts he gave me was all of the lessons from his life and even though I know I’ll always have them, past day 8863 there won’t be anything new.
When he died, I was sad about all the things he wasn’t going to experience. Now I’m selfishly upset that there are massive milestones that I’ll do first. I took for granted all of the experiences he had and I’ve modelled so much of what I do or don’t do around his. For everything I wish you could’ve done are all the things I’ve done that I wish I could’ve shared with you.
I forget I was a child when he left. Now that I’m 24, I wish I could tell Daniel I get it. I see him so differently. That being said, I also realised I’m so mad at him. Something that feels taboo to say, but being mad, being sad and loving him can coexist. He wasn’t perfect and he was my brother. And that’s on siblings! You try being the middle child and the oldest daughter, Daniel. What I wouldn’t give for an opportunity to call you out in the hallway and slam my door on you. And make fun of something stupid an hour later.
I miss you every single day.
I couldn't imagine that I was alone in this feeling so I took to Reddit. Here are some of the responses.
I’m proud of myself. I feel like I’ve grown a lot, even if just the past year. For 24, I don’t want to fixate on being an adult and figuring out whatever future lies in front of me. However, one thing I didn’t truly know at 16 is just how young 24 is. So in the spirit of Daniel, I want learn to chill the fuck out and just have fun. Even if I have to do it petrified, I’m coming for you 25.
And 26. And 27. And hopefully, all the way until I’m nice and old.
Happy Birthday to me!
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